In the last two weeks something has changed in my mind, it’s me with a new determination to fight against myself and my selfish, insecure, prideful being. I’m not saying that I all of the sudden have a perfect life, it’s incredibly far from that. I now am more determined for my relationship with God to flourish.

It all began a few days before break ended… I was reading a book, that my Uncle Paul told me to read. It is called Passion and Persistence, it tells the story of the second largest church in the world. The cell church format the book promotes really messed with my mind, but what hit my heart is seeing the passion in this church.

I was thinking, passion for Christ? Well I love him… right? Yeah I do! I want to be a Pastor, so clearly I have passion! Then I realized there is a clear distinction between Passion and Direction. Just that I have direction from God, does not mean that I necessarily have radical passion for a intimate relationship with God. I am headed to be a Children’s Pastor… great, but do I have a passionate relationship with the Jesus I am suppose to bringing others into relationship with? For pete’s sake, I’m at Bible College, studying about him every day… great, but do I have a passionate relationship with Jesus?

It hurt as I realized that my spiritual life is crippled, which in turn means the ministry I do is crippled. I don’t spend time in worship with him daily, I don’t spend time reading his words, I don’t spend time listening to him, I don’t spend time in prayer, I don’t spend much time with him. Sure, I’m in bible college, but it takes effort to take an academic understanding of the Lord and make that into a personal relationship. They are not one and the same.

So the last day or so of break I read the introduction and first chapter of Francis Chan’s book, Forgotten God. This book is about how we have abandoned the Holy Spirit. The little bit of this book that I have read so far again showed me how I needed to revive my spiritual life.

So I get to school on Saturday, i meat new students and that is all pretty cool. Sunday came and while I was sitting listening to Pastor Marty’s teaching about Recovery I was impacted by how I have let my selfish desires take control of the way I handle my health. From the beginning of summer to the end of the Fall Semester I went from 195 pounds to 216 pounds. I gained 21 pounds and lost a lot of muscle. I was not taking care of God’s temple. It seems stupid when I think about it, that since our bodies are so essential we would ever let ourselves be unhealthy. What does this mean? I should eat a little less right? Well honestly, I wasn’t going to eat less or start exercising, because I didn’t think I could. My spiritual life had been abandoned and along with it my ability to be discipled and have self-control.

This was all in the back of my mind, on Monday I was thinking about a different relationship that I have a desire for. I was thinking about how I wanted to have a girlfriend again and throughout the day a particular girl was on my mind.

Well evening came and we had worship night. I went to worship night ready to pray to God and worship him, but during worship I was broken, missing the past relationship I had. I felt alone. I was broken because I could see how my odd personality and being the weirdo I love being keeps me from being able to attract girls or sometimes even maintain friendships. I felt inadequate.

My eyes started tearing up as I longed for a relationship, missed one I had, and was broken from how my weird personality and insecurities often seem like they are the barrier to better friendships and being able to have a relationship.

Then God, my AWESOME heavenly father, gave me a clear image. As I was in our school’s chapel worshiping him on my knees, with my eyes teared up, then he gave me this image: I was at our school’s social dancing, everyone was dancing with each other, but I was dancing with God.

So I stepped outside of the worship service, went to my Dorm room to get paper and began to write out what God said to me. Instead I ended up writing about how much I desired a relationship. But what I realized is that I want to dance with someone, but I have yet learned to be God’s dance partner. Right then I decided it was time to begin to learn how to dance with God.

What do I believe God was trying to tell me? First, he was obviously telling me I need to focus on my relationship with him, I need to dance with him. Second, he is calling me to dance with Him, which means this season of my life needs to be defined by singleness, caring for the things of the Lord.

Truth is, I’m struggling eating less, I’m still insecure about my personality, and I still want a girlfriend, but the difference is a deeper passion for God is brewing. I have realized my lack of disciple and am making efforts to practice disciple, so I can grow.

I am going to fail. I guarantee failure will happen. However, as long as I continue to have a passion to learn to dance with God, GROWTH WILL HAPPEN. The MIRACULOUS WILL HAPPEN through God’s awesome power.

Pray for me as I enter a challenging season. Pray that it is defined by: Passion, Discipline, and Growth.

Thanks for Reading,

Brandon Maddux

About Brandon Maddux

Brandon Maddux has published 10 posts on this blog..

I am currently studying Biblical Studies at Life Pacific College, the intern to the Children's Pastor at my home church, The Sanctuary Church and working for Kidology.org. I pray that my life is lived in obedience to God's command to "Get Moving!" (Exodus 14:15).

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